To Be Friends or Not To Be Friends

The summer after senior year and the tough decisions that make themselves.
I’ve had the same group of friends since third grade. It started with me, Maroon, and Lilac. In fifth grade we met Cornflower and the four of us became a solid group. We added more people throughout middle and high school, ending up with about 14 people in “Cornflower’s posse” as we called it (but with her real name obviously) by the end of it. Lucy (if you’ve read about her in some of my other posts) leeched onto the group somewhere before senior year.

As high school came to a close, I began to feel as if something was off. Our friendship didn’t seem quite so…genuine. Were we friends because we had things in common or because it was convenient?

Towards the end of the year, I had planned for Cornflower’s posse to have a senior skip day. We were going to drive up the city and make a day of it, having fun and enjoying the area we lived in before we all left it for college. My friends were all in, we were going to do it the Friday after AP exams (because we were all very academically inclined and were studying all the time up until then) and I was so excited. Throughout high school, I had never done anything rebellious or subversive. I wanted to do something once, just once before I graduated.

Well, my friends all bailed on me. Lilac had a test coming up, Cornflower’s parents never let her do anything and she didn’t want to lie to them, and Maroon looked me in the eye and told me skipping school was kind of “against her morals.”

Even though a week ago it was totally cool with her. And then what does that say about me and my morals when it was my idea in the first place? Her words stung me, offended me, especially because that’s not what she said in the first place. 

I tried to brush it aside because that wasn’t what she meant, not really, Maroon always says stuff like that. But the more I thought about it the more I realized how much I do that, how much I have to rationalize away the things that Maroon says and the way she treats me, things that best friends should never say or treat one another. Maroon can be a cold person; she doesn’t care how her actions make other people feel. How can she my best friend, or even just a friend, if she doesn’t act like one?

So I guess I don’t want to be friends with Maroon. It’s not healthy to be her friend. In normal relationships you don’t have to reason away the other person’s behavior.

It was really hard for me to process that I didn’t want to be friends with someone who had been so close to me for so long. It kinda freaked me out actually…if this was the kind of person that was my best friend, did I ever really have a real friend? Had I never had a good relationship before?

Sorry, I didn’t mean to turn this post into my life drama. Things will work themselves out, Maroon is going to Cornell and will be far, far away…and I will make new friends. (Hopefully. What if I can’t make friends? What if it’s not her but me?)

All this and I hadn’t even gotten to the stuff about Aquamarine yet. That drama made everything so much worse. But that’s another story for another time.

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