Not Good Enough

As I’ve been trying to figure out where to go to college, I’ve been very apprehensive to talk about the colleges I’m considering with my family or friends. At first I convinced myself it was because I was afraid to commit to any one college and didn’t want to seem like I was favoring one school over the other, but I’ve begun to realize the real reason.

It’s not good enough. The schools I like aren’t as elite as my friends. The schools I’ve been accepted to aren’t hard to get into. I feel inferior, I feel like a slacker, I feel like I’m not good enough for my friends and the school I’m planning on attending isn’t good enough for my friends.

I want to go to OU. (See post Third College Visit) I haven’t told anyone that, not my friends, not my parents. I’ve talked about it more than the other school I’ve been accepted to, so when I finally do tell them it’s not going to be much of a surprise. But I’m afraid of telling them because I don’t want people to think that I’m not smart enough for any other school or that I’m giving up and settling by attending OU.

My friend Maroon is applying to Stanford. She’ll probably get in, too, but that’s not the point. My point is that Stanford for her makes sense: she wants to do some mathy stuff and for STEM careers you want to go to a good school that has all the up to date tech and knowledge and all theat crap. I got a letter from Stanfrod inviting me to go study creative writing at their school. Creative Writing! At Stanford! Can you IMAGINE the amount of debt I would have after college?

That’s another thing: I plan to major in English. I can do that at literally any school. I don’t need to pay big bucks to attend some Ivy League institution on the east coast when I can get the same education a couple hours from home paying half that price.

Reasons why I want to go to OU:

  • I’ll be far enough away from home but still close enough to see my family
  • The campus is beautiful
  • The school has so much comraderie. It’s what I like to call a “cult school”, where people get really obsessed with it, alumni, current students, people who just like football. I like that. There’s a sense of community, of belonging
  • The weather will be colder
  • I’ll get some decent scholarships
  • I know some people that are there already that could help me out if I needed it
  • I feel at home there

Reasons why any of my friends would attend OU:

  • Their first four schools didn’t accept them
  • They would get a full ride, being a National Merit Scholar or something (Maroon)
  • They were too lazy to apply to anywhere else

Sometimes I’m afraid I fall into that last category. I ask myself, have I not applied to any other schools because I’m satisfied with going to OU or because I’m lazy and willing to settle for OU?

That right there is what terrifies me. Especially because I still haven’t figured out the answer.

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