Letting Go

I made a decision to not try. Despite the fact that it seems like a lazier decision, I think it is the right one.

I am a part of my school’s colorguard. In colorguard there are four different things you can do: dance, spin flag, spin rifle, or spin sabre. Everybody does flag, it’s kind of the basic colorguard skill, and if you’re good you are given dance opportunities, but there’s no real try out. For rifle and sabre, there are tryouts and it’s very cutthroat. But if you make weapon line, you’re considered one of the better colorguard members.

I decided not to try out for weapon line.

It had been something I was struggling with. I didn’t want to practice or stress about colorguard anymore than I already do (I have a lot of responsibilities as captain). But I didn’t want to be that one officer of the colorguard who’s useless and not good at any guard things. As one of the other leaders pointed out to me, I must be one of the first captains to only do flag.

And I hate that. I hate not meeting the usual expectations for captains. I hate not being as good as my friends or as successful in guard.

But this is my last year in colorguard. I’m not passionate about it, I’m not going to make an effort to continue doing it after high school. I have a hard time being motivated to work hard while in practice. I never practiced outside of school. Even if I did try out for rifle or sabre, it’s very likely that I wouldn’t make it.

So which is worse, just being on flag line by choice or just being on flag line because I’m not good enough to do anything else?

I decided to make the choice myself. As I said in a past post, Dreams, I am very afraid of being disappointed. And I like to be in control. Making the choice myself prevents me from being overly frustrated.

And just being on flag line allows me to start letting go of high school things to focus on college things. I have to start applying to places. I need to write some essays, get some scholarships. I shouldn’t be worried about how high I can toss a piece of wood. I have my future to prepare for.

Also, not being so consumed with guard allows me to focus on my true passion, writing.

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