I don’t know what the word is for falling out of love when you weren’t really in love in the first place. Or the word for slowly not liking someone you’ve had a crush on for a long time. Maybe someone should come up with that.
There was this guy I liked sophomore year. I’ve written about him before in a couple of other posts (I’ll find them and link them at the end sometime). In those posts I called him J. I won’t rewrite those stories here, but basically we had this class together and I liked him (like a lot) and then at the end of the year I was walking out of school with him and my best friend Maroon and he leaned across me and asked her out on a date.
Ouch. They dated all through the summer which was hard for me because I still liked him but she was my best friend. Then around homecoming time they stopped being a thing but it was still awkward because they were awkward about it.
I spent so much time and energy wondering if he liked me, trying not to be jealous of the way he gave other girls attention, trying not to hate the girls that threw themselves at him. And other girls really threw themselves at him. It was kind of pathetic.
J has been part of my friend circle since seventh grade, but I didn’t really get to know him until 10th. He was the only guy in a group full of girls, so naturally girls found him less annoying than most high school guys.
Anyway, the point of this post is to admit to myself that I don’t like him anymore. I’m tired of being frustrated with myself and with him. Honestly, sometimes he would act like I didn’t even exist, which hurt me a lot. He didn’t know, of course, that I had a crush on him (I’m not that brave). He just treated me like another person he was kind of friends with. I’ve spent two years watching him interact with other girls he liked and I’m done with it. Maybe I should have said something when I did like him, but now I’ve forgotten why I was attracted to him in the first place. It’s over, I’m moving on.
It is kind of hard, though, to be single. Not all the time, don’t get me wrong, I’m not one of those girls that’s going to whine about it, but my younger brother has this girl he spends a lot of him time with whom he definitely likes and who definitely likes him. So my parents are gushing over him and his lady friend and then they look at me, like I might be hiding something from them. Like I might have some secret boyfriend I hadn’t told them about. Or some secret crush, like my brother has, who secretly likes me back.
Also, I would like to inform you that I definitely just ate a candy cane for breakfast. And no one caught me.
While we’re on the subject of crushes, I don’t think I’ve ever been the subject of someone’s crush. At least, not that I know of. My friends Maroon and Lila both have had to deal with semi-creepy guys asking them out or asking them to dances. Not that I’m jealous of them because of that; it’s not easy to reject boys with low self-esteem. I just wonder if there’s anyone out there that I’ve been ignoring that actually likes me.
People always make such a big deal about crushes. I feel like it shouldn’t be a big deal. So you like a person, great. You like spending time with them, you like the way they look, you like the way they can make you laugh, great. I feel like people should be open about that. Yeah, there’s the fear that you might get reject or they might not like you back, but then at least you know. And you don’t waste two years agonizing over it like I did.
I’m going to make  a deal with myself with the wordpress world as witnesses. The next time I have a crush on somebody I’m going to be more open with them about it. Maybe not go right out and tell them how I feel, but I’m going to make an effort to spend time with them and let them know that I value them and enjoy spending time with them.
There. It will happen. I’ll probably try to delete this post next time I have a crush on someone, but whatever.


4 thoughts on “Uncrushed

  1. I’m honestly proud of you for admitting it to yourself πŸ™‚ That takes a lot of courage, simply because you’re having to show yourself that you don’t like him.

    Liked by 1 person

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