Oh wow. I just found this post that I had written a while ago. It’s about the person I hate the most (which, coincidentally, I blogged about just yesterday. WordPress tells me I wrote this about 200 days ago. I was very frustrated with them, but when reading back over the texts…wow. I was vicious and immature. The people I hated probably were probably very confused why I was being so sarcastic. My great title I came up with (Crusin’ for a bruisin’? Why, past self, why??) could work both ways: if adults had seen the way I reacted in this situation, there is no doubt in my mind there would be consequences. Also, the other leaders sucked.
There’s a reason I didn’t post this after I wrote it, and I think I knew even then I was out of control. But now those people are gone and I can shake my head and say, “Miss Celadon, you were a mess last marching season. A complete mess.”
So now I present to you, my dark side:
Last night and early this morning I was on the colorguard bus coming home from a competition in San Antonio. It was a long, exhausting bus ride and as soon as we got back to the school most people left as quickly as possible. Earlier today I had this conversation about the amount of trash that was left on the bus. The captain left a big mess, as did some other girls, and the leaders (not including her) stayed behind to clean it up.
(The blue one is me, the illiterate one is the guard leader I have the most issues with, and the other one is the captain)
I just find it hard to believe that a couple of the other colorguard leaders can be so stupid and so blind to basic human nature. Not everyone is out to get you. No one does something like leave trash on a bus on purpose. And not everything has to be a big deal.
Okay, and the part where the captain told me to “talk to her, in an intimidating way” made me actually laugh out loud. That’s the most ridiculous things I’ve ever heard. I’m not going to go talk to her intimidatingly about trash. Or at all, actually, because that isn’t how you get people to do things. That isn’t how you’re supposed to lead. And when the dumb leader told me “no offense, but you’re not very intimidating” I wanted to respond with something like “no offense, but neither are you” or “no offense, but you’re an idiot, a useless leader, and your face looks like a potato.”
I think I gave her enough sass. There will be more tomorrow when she brings this up again.
Ahhh, thank you God for ending this season quickly. I don’t think I could have lasted any longer with these people. But soon winterguard tryouts will come up and we will have a whole new set of drama issues to deal with. Yay.
…And boy, we did have drama. (this isn’t part of the original post) Then, I thought for sure that Abby F (or as I refer to her in this post “the dumb one” or “the illiterate one”) was not going to be on varsity, so I would never have to perform with her again. And then she did make varsity and we clashed more than ever.
It’s clear in this post that mistakes were made, many of them by me. I shot to kill with those words. I shouldn’t be proud. I’m not. I still think I was right, but I shouldn’t have spoken the way I did.
When it comes to people like the two leaders I had to deal with, I’m quick to believe that I’m better than them. I can be very arrogant. But it’s obvious now that my arrogance then blinded me to the fact that I treated these people like vermin, and that was really not okay. Really not okay.
Even when I look back on that season, in my mind, I was a perfect angle and they were the demons that haunted me. But in truth they weren’t as evil as I make them out to be and I wasn’t quite a saint.
There’s something kind of freeing about writing this. We all do and say things we regret, we all have a dark side. But if you never acknowledge it, you’ll let it take you to places you shouldn’t go.
I have a gift with words, and 200 days ago, I misused that gift by tearing those people apart.