I Am My Own Person

I’ve got my own life, my own plans, my own emotions and desires, but I have to schedule my life around what my family is doing, and change based on their whims and choices. I just want to have my own life, make my own schedule, clean the bathroom when I have time to clean it, stuff like that.

This rant has been coming on for a while, so I’m sorry if this post is a little all over the place.

My mom was driving me home from school today (because I STILL don’t have my license) and she was telling me how I would have to babysit my sisters tonight because my dad was having his 40th birthday party and we were supposed to be out of the way. She was going through how I would have to put them to bed and read to them and whatnot.

Audibly, though quietly, I said “oh.”

Just “oh.” I had been planning on going to the JV winterguard’s dress rehearsal to show my support for them. (We both have our first competition tomorrow. I figured as an officer in the colorguard it would make the girls in my squad on JV feel a little more, I don’t know, comfortable if I was there. Since for some of them this is their very first winterguard performance.) I didn’t realize there would be stuff at home I’d have to take care of.

“What do you mean, oh?” my mom asked, getting kind of mad.

I told her I wanted to go to the dress rehearsal, and wasn’t aware of all these other responsibilities. (She hadn’t told me about them before today.)  She raised her eyebrows.

“Well, you at least have to help me cook and clean before all the guests get here,” was her response. I told her I had so much homework, and since I wasn’t able to do it tomorrow (because of the competition) I needed to do it now. (The only reason I’m blogging now instead of doing my precal homework is because I don’t understand it and it’s stressing me out.)

At that she got all huffy and said since she was giving my brother a pass because of homework she supposed I could get one too.

Then she started going on this complicated plan on how I was going to get to the winterguard dress rehearsal, what time I needed to leave at, that I needed to get a ride home because she wasn’t going to be able to pick me up. There’s nothing worse than my mom begrudgingly doing something for me (because she’s steaming mad the whole time and will explode into a lecture at any second) so I quickly stopped her.

“If you need me here, I can stay,” I told her slowly (I really wanted to go). “I mean, if I have to put my sisters to bed, then I can’t go to the dress rehearsal.”

“No, you can go,” my mom responded. “Because if you stay you’ll be angry about not getting to go and you’ll be responsible for something I apparently didn’t tell you about, and then you’ll do a crappy job. So you can go.”

A crappy job. Those were her exact words. I’m not sure if I’m insulted, or if this is the truth. It’s true I don’t hide my emotions very well, but I never try to do something badly when I’m mad. I’m usually just mad and do whatever I’m supposed to do angrily.

I almost wanted to stay home just to prove her wrong. But then I realized her words had rubbed me the wrong way, and she was clearly not in a good mood, so by going I could more easily avoid a fight with my mom. I hate fighting with my mom.

I realize my mom is stressed out because of my dad’s birthday party (she and I are very similar, parties stress me out, too) but I also didn’t appreciate that my life could be tossed around based on her emotions. Like, she needed someone to help her clean (our house isn’t even dirty) so she was willing to tell me I couldn’t work on my homework that would take me a while so I could help her finish a self-imposed requirement? Thank goodness my brother also got a pass. How can she expect me to put my life on hold every time she needs something?

Understandably, as my mother, she has done the same thing for me my entire life. My needs and the needs of my siblings have come before hers countless times. But still, I was irritated.

This isn’t the first time something like this has happened. And every time it does, I get a little more irritated. Like the time when my dad couldn’t take me driving because a football game he wanted to watch was on. (I need driving hours to get my license!! I wanted to get my license six months and twenty days ago!!) Or the time my mom promised me the two of us could go driving, then got Tomorrowland, and insisted we watch it as a family. Or the time I got home from teaching preschoolers at my church for about four hours, exhausted, with lots of homework to do, and my mom handed me the cleaning supplies and told me to go clean my bathroom.

The point is, I’m my own person now. I have responsibilities and work outside of my home. I have a TON of stress on me every day because of colorguard and the kind of classes I take.

The way I get through this irritation is I tell myself I only have a year and a half left. Three semesters more of high school. Then I will go to college, somewhere far enough away that I’m not with my family 24/7, but not too far that I can’t come home.

Neither of my parents have asked why one of my requirements for a college is that it’s at least an hour away. This is why. I can’t stand having my life planned for me. I need to be my own person, on my own, in charge of my own life.

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