End of the Year Thoughts

Goodbye 2015. One of the most stressful years of my life.

They all say junior year is the hardest of high school. This is true. I’ve had more homework, more responsibilities, more social events, and more drama than I’ve ever had before.

But just because 2015 is over doesn’t mean this is over. I still have two weeks until finals for first semester, and then a second semester of my junior year. More homework, more stress, etc. Not much changes.

We have less breaks second semester. After winter break is over, we’ve got a long while until summer. And a lot of tests. AP tests, state tests, finals and midterms and finals again.

Basically, all New Years means for me school-wise is that life is about to get harder. The easy part is over. Now it’s time to work hard with no end in sight. Well, I guess the end is in sight it’s just really far away.

But other than that depressing thought, the New Year is a time to change. New year, new you. We can make resolutions and promises, but they never last past January. What’s the point? 

You celebrate another year with the people you love on New Year’s Eve. That’s good.

I’m trying to find the fun in this celebration/holiday. I’ve had a bit of a rough week. I haven’t been sleeping well. I’ve woken up twice in the middle of the night because of some sort of panic/anxiety attack and had a lot of trouble falling back asleep. I’ve got projects due weeks after I get back to school, but I wanted to work on them over break and was freaking myself out because I wasn’t working on them. I’ve felt disappointed in myself, frustrated, angry, sad, lonely. I’m sick and tired of feeling that way. It’s supposed to be break, I’m supposed to be catching up on sleep so I can go back and work my tail off, but I feel worse than I did before break started. And I was feeling pretty crappy before break (more freak outs/panic attacks).

I guess that’s why this blog happened.  I needed somewhere to project all those feelings, the ugly side of me that had no where else to go, no one else to share it with. There’s good stuff on here too, memories I want to preserve and cherish for years to come, but I thinkit’s original purpose was to get the emotions out that I felt like I couldn’t share with anyone.

There’s not much I regret doing, or regret not doing. There were plenty of good things that happened this year mixed in with some bad.

  • I got a 4 (out of a score of 5) on my first AP test
  • I became an officer in my high school’s colorguard
  • We got a new colorguard director. He’s amazing.
  • My crush asked out my best friend in front of me
  • I turned 16, but didn’t get my license 
  • I wrote 68,000 words of my first draft of a superhero story called Fearless
  • I didn’t make sabre line in colorguard
  • I got to know my crush better and spend more time with friends
  • The marching band I’m in got first in two competitions– the first time our school has done so
  • I became involved in a ton of drama between the colorguard leaders
  •  I wrote 50,266 words of my novel The Eighth World during NaNoWriMo
  • I made varsity for the winterguard season the second year in a row

Huh. There looks like there’s more good stuff than bad. I just get over emotional, I guess, and completely irrational. I’m just a hormonal teenager. Nothing special. Sometimes bad things have a tendency to look bigger and badder than they actually are.

That’s actually really encouraging. I started this post think that this year has been one of the worst, but I did a lot of the thing I wanted to do. I wrote stories. (I just need to finish them) (And I’d like to publish them). I mean, maybe things didn’t go the way I planned in colorguard, but that’s okay. I need to focus more on the things that matter instead of the things that don’t. Writing matters. Colorguard will end June of 2017, when I graduate. School projects and grades will be insignificant by the time I’m going to college. Just three more semesters of high school left. 

2016 will be my last full year of high school. Hallelujah. The end is near.

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